i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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