puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
