I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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