i'm signing you up for texting rehab
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
