Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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