he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
