I've blown a few things in my day
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
