Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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