I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
