Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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