i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
