I want to walk on stilts...naked
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
