The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
it glows. i had to have it.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
