You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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