8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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