I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
did i walk over a car last night?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
