soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
