All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
