You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
