textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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