My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
