Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
