I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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