plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize