someone threw a dead crab at me
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
did i walk over a car last night?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
