her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
