can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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