HIV tests are more positive than that guy
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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