My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
