You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
