I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
