So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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