Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
