I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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