That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
