I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
