Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
