I think my vagina is haunted
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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