I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Randomize
