I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
