Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
