you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
