grandma shit on top of the toilet
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
i believe in u and ur pee
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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