I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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