You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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