i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
