If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
