So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Randomize
