We named our party play list daddy issues
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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