ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
