Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
