ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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