i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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