I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Randomize
