I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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