I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
