Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
